Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote on here. Lets start from the beginning.
1. I'm single. That didn't really go as planned, but all in all, it has taught me a lot about other people and how they act. I've realized that I'm not going to be the girl who dates the immature douchebags simply to say that I have a boyfriend. I am so better than that. I want the real stuff. The real love. The love that won't walk away when one little thing doesn't go according to plan. That's the love worth staying single for, and worth saving my heart, body, mind, and soul (whatever's left of it at least) for.
2. My sister got married! It was such a happy day. :) Although I was in a dress the whole evening, it was so much fun to see my sister be completely and utterly happy. My new brother in law is wonderful. I love him so much, and I wish them nothing but the best.
3. Well, my brother's girlfriend is pregnant. Too much to say about this. WAY too much to say over this thing. It's messy, and I'm not happy. Not one bit.
4. I leave the nest in less than 10 months. Its really freaky to think about, but I am beyond ready for it. I can't wait to be on my own, making my own decisions without worrying about who I'm going to upset or what people think about me. It's the next chapter of my life that I am more than excited about. I'm applying to UW-Eau Claire, and hopefully I'll get accepted and be on my way to the future.
5. I've begun to take my music very seriously. I started playing my oboe for a group in Shoreview, and it has definatly made me a better player. I practice whenever I can, and I've really buckled down and taken initiative. It's been going really well, and with my new oboe, I feel like a winner. :)
Blah, blah, blah. That's all I want to say at the moment.
-Amy
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Secrets, secrets, are no fun...
I am the type of person that believes that everyone is entiled to some secrets. But what if those secrets begin to haunt you? What if those secrets you think that you have control of, start to gain power over your thoughts and your emotions? All questions I have been pondering the past month or so. I feel really strange, and I'm not sure why. I haven't been happy since God knows when, and I definatly know the reason for that, but once again it is a secret to me and ONLY me. Maybe holding all of these problems in isn't a good thing, but I'm not sure what else I can do. The people I want to talk to, are so fed up with me and my problems. I am a burden to my friends and I know it. The one person I could always count on for being there for me, has let me down. I used to trust that person wholeheartedly, but now I don't ever get even a phone call. I feel empty without them in my life at all, even a simple aquaintence would suffice.
I'm in over my head.
^^A few weeks ago.
Now, the only things that have changed are my friends. I know they love me and they would always be there for me. I'm done analyzing their loyalty, it could be a bad thing.
However, as for the people who decided to cut me from their life, well I have only one thing to say to you:
FUCK OFF.
I'm done with your shit. Done.
If you don't want me, then don't have me. At all.
I'm in over my head.
^^A few weeks ago.
Now, the only things that have changed are my friends. I know they love me and they would always be there for me. I'm done analyzing their loyalty, it could be a bad thing.
However, as for the people who decided to cut me from their life, well I have only one thing to say to you:
FUCK OFF.
I'm done with your shit. Done.
If you don't want me, then don't have me. At all.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Good things come to those who wait, eh?
Strange times we live in nowadays. So many people are so self-involved, not really caring about the things that truly matter in life. Take the morning for example, or waking up every morning even. Most of us are usually groggy and crabby and forget what a great thing it is to just, wake up. You have another day to do something meaningful with the life you have. Well, let me ask you this. If it is such a 'blessing' to wake up every day, why do we sometimes wish we didn't wake up?
For me, a number of things cause that daily feeling of inadequacy. I was recently dealing with a break-up. Yes world, the perfect relationship that you think you all have, could be over with the snap of a finger. That's really what I thought I had: a perfect relationship. What defines that? Compassion, understanding, communication, trust, respect, and most importantly, love. What is that crazy emotion all about? L-O-V-E. So many songs, so many films, so many books, so many different things trying to portray a certain feeling which we call love. Is any of it real?
NO.
It is not. It is Hollywood and acid trips that create the 'image' of love that we think about now. I was deeply humbled today when I read about a local church celebrating the anniversaries of several couples who have been married for 50 years or more. What happened to the spark between two people that comes of age with time? What happened to the butterflies in the stomach that you get when you see the person that makes you weak at the knees? What happened to real love? Did it die? Just like all the other seemingly good things in the world? I don't like to think that, because as the old saying goes, good things come to those who wait. Those who rush love, get burned. I, unfortunately, now have experience with rushing things. It was exciting for a while, but in time, became a hassle. The lust went away, and what I thought was true love, was really just the feeling of excitement for the first time in my life. No doubt about it, I was in love. Completely. It was just the type of love that doesn't last. The passion and the excitement eventually fizzled, and so did the relationship. Compassion, and understanding and all of those things were never really present, which led to the inevitable end.
So, in conclusion, I think I will be taking my time. I don't want to be a stupid little girl anymore with her silly ideas about love. I want the real kind. The kind that won't walk away when the going gets tough. The kind that will stick with you through all the laughs and all the tears. Good things, really do come to those who wait.
-Amy
For me, a number of things cause that daily feeling of inadequacy. I was recently dealing with a break-up. Yes world, the perfect relationship that you think you all have, could be over with the snap of a finger. That's really what I thought I had: a perfect relationship. What defines that? Compassion, understanding, communication, trust, respect, and most importantly, love. What is that crazy emotion all about? L-O-V-E. So many songs, so many films, so many books, so many different things trying to portray a certain feeling which we call love. Is any of it real?
NO.
It is not. It is Hollywood and acid trips that create the 'image' of love that we think about now. I was deeply humbled today when I read about a local church celebrating the anniversaries of several couples who have been married for 50 years or more. What happened to the spark between two people that comes of age with time? What happened to the butterflies in the stomach that you get when you see the person that makes you weak at the knees? What happened to real love? Did it die? Just like all the other seemingly good things in the world? I don't like to think that, because as the old saying goes, good things come to those who wait. Those who rush love, get burned. I, unfortunately, now have experience with rushing things. It was exciting for a while, but in time, became a hassle. The lust went away, and what I thought was true love, was really just the feeling of excitement for the first time in my life. No doubt about it, I was in love. Completely. It was just the type of love that doesn't last. The passion and the excitement eventually fizzled, and so did the relationship. Compassion, and understanding and all of those things were never really present, which led to the inevitable end.
So, in conclusion, I think I will be taking my time. I don't want to be a stupid little girl anymore with her silly ideas about love. I want the real kind. The kind that won't walk away when the going gets tough. The kind that will stick with you through all the laughs and all the tears. Good things, really do come to those who wait.
-Amy
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Drinking a glass of wine, thinking about things beyond my control
I've really been on edge lately. My time is spent doing things I enjoy, yes, but too much of good things can be bad for the soul. I've been playing the piano a lot lately, but it just doesn't seem fun anymore. I try learning new songs, but everything is so repetitive and dull that I get bored with it. What else. Painting is just frustrating now. I can never get things to look the way that I want them to. The old saying that goes "You are your own worst critic" is so incredibly true. We as humans are always hard on ourselves before we are hard on others. I shouldn't get mad about my painting, but its really a struggle now to create something new and something that others will appreciate. I get to be pretty damn hard on myself when I make new things, mostly because I fear others won't be very accepting of my creations. I'm not the 'norm'. I'm not the 'usual'. So, naturally people aren't very accepting of folks like myself. I try to fake them, but we all know how that usually goes. You create another person on the surface of yourself. I'm sick of that surface person. I just want to be myself and have other people be okay with that. I'm okay with it, but the rejection from so many people is really hard to take sometimes.
I'm not making sense anymore.
NEW SUBJECT:
Summer blows so far. My friends are gone, I'm home by myself all day, and I'm tired of being bored all the time. I've watched more T.V. and movies NOW, then ever before. It's kind of sickening. I'm going out running tomorrow for the first time this season. That should prove to be interesting. I probably wont last a block. :) Whatever. I'll get it together eventually. My goal is to be really effing fit by the end of summer. Hope that comes true! Anyway, I think I'll wrap this up. I'm still working on this wine and its really tasty. :)
Peace all.
-Amy
I'm not making sense anymore.
NEW SUBJECT:
Summer blows so far. My friends are gone, I'm home by myself all day, and I'm tired of being bored all the time. I've watched more T.V. and movies NOW, then ever before. It's kind of sickening. I'm going out running tomorrow for the first time this season. That should prove to be interesting. I probably wont last a block. :) Whatever. I'll get it together eventually. My goal is to be really effing fit by the end of summer. Hope that comes true! Anyway, I think I'll wrap this up. I'm still working on this wine and its really tasty. :)
Peace all.
-Amy
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Lately...
I've been quite confused. I never really know what is going to happen each day, so naturally that gives me plenty of time to think (which some of you may understand is not healthy for me). When I'm given time to just think, my mind begins to race. I think about things that are so minute and unimportant, and then in my mind, I escalate these matters to proportions that are truly unnecessary. I am so puzzled as to why I inflict this self-mutilation upon myself. I don't think I deserve the constant state of crisis that my mind is always in. Why can I not just get away from myself? I'm so tired of this over analyzing every last detail of my life. Sure, I can do other menial tasks to get my mind off of, well, my mind. I play the piano for about 3 hours of the day now. I've started painting again. Other times I just drive around looking to pass the time. These things help, but they do not relieve.
I think I found the root of my problem. Every person that I have a close relationship with is gone.
1) My best friends Alyssa and Katie have both left for substantial amounts of time. Katie to North Carolina for a month. Alyssa to Iowa for the next week. I miss my girlfriends.
2) My boyfriend is extremely busy lately. I love what he is doing with his music, I really do. He is incredibly talented. He is gone a lot though. No ones fault, it's just how it is. I miss him.
3) My sister is all the way up in St. Cloud. She is one of the few people that I can just be my dorky self around 100% of the time. I miss her everyday that I don't see her.
4) My brother was engaged a few months ago. Now he isn't. I'm still dealing with the loss of, essentially my other sister. It's been really hard on me losing her. She was another member of our family that is now gone. I really miss her.
5) Yes. Still dealing with this 2+ years after. My aunt Mary is still gone. I have a constant state of regret in my mind, because I could have done so many things differently in my relationship with her. I could have loved more. I could have spent more time with her. I could have talked to her. Now that she's gone and I CAN'T do those things anymore, it's as if a part of my soul went with her.
6) With my cousin being on drugs and getting kicked out of school, I feel like I've lost him. We were so close growing up, and now one of my best friends is gone. I probably will never have the same sort of relationship with him as I did when I was a kid. It kills me. Watching someone you really care about screw themselves over for no particular reason.
7) Myself. I used to really like who I was. I was confident and I never really cared what others thought of me. Boy, how things have changed. Dealing with constant ridicule your entire life really puts a strain on your self-esteem and the way you look at yourself in the mirror. I hated those people that felt the need to treat me like shit without reason. I still do. I need to move on from this, but it's really tough trying to rid yourself of the words that were said to you. Those words still stick with me. They are cruel words. Vicious words. They always said that words could never hurt you. Yeah? Well, I'm still hurting from the horrible things that people used to say about me. Words cut deeper than any knife, I promise you that.
So, why am I still so reserved and inverted? This is why. Now you know. Now you understand what it's like for me, just to live inside of my own head. It's dangerous. I try not to be alone as much as possible, but with everyone I care about gone all the time, it's very difficult.
-Amy
I think I found the root of my problem. Every person that I have a close relationship with is gone.
1) My best friends Alyssa and Katie have both left for substantial amounts of time. Katie to North Carolina for a month. Alyssa to Iowa for the next week. I miss my girlfriends.
2) My boyfriend is extremely busy lately. I love what he is doing with his music, I really do. He is incredibly talented. He is gone a lot though. No ones fault, it's just how it is. I miss him.
3) My sister is all the way up in St. Cloud. She is one of the few people that I can just be my dorky self around 100% of the time. I miss her everyday that I don't see her.
4) My brother was engaged a few months ago. Now he isn't. I'm still dealing with the loss of, essentially my other sister. It's been really hard on me losing her. She was another member of our family that is now gone. I really miss her.
5) Yes. Still dealing with this 2+ years after. My aunt Mary is still gone. I have a constant state of regret in my mind, because I could have done so many things differently in my relationship with her. I could have loved more. I could have spent more time with her. I could have talked to her. Now that she's gone and I CAN'T do those things anymore, it's as if a part of my soul went with her.
6) With my cousin being on drugs and getting kicked out of school, I feel like I've lost him. We were so close growing up, and now one of my best friends is gone. I probably will never have the same sort of relationship with him as I did when I was a kid. It kills me. Watching someone you really care about screw themselves over for no particular reason.
7) Myself. I used to really like who I was. I was confident and I never really cared what others thought of me. Boy, how things have changed. Dealing with constant ridicule your entire life really puts a strain on your self-esteem and the way you look at yourself in the mirror. I hated those people that felt the need to treat me like shit without reason. I still do. I need to move on from this, but it's really tough trying to rid yourself of the words that were said to you. Those words still stick with me. They are cruel words. Vicious words. They always said that words could never hurt you. Yeah? Well, I'm still hurting from the horrible things that people used to say about me. Words cut deeper than any knife, I promise you that.
So, why am I still so reserved and inverted? This is why. Now you know. Now you understand what it's like for me, just to live inside of my own head. It's dangerous. I try not to be alone as much as possible, but with everyone I care about gone all the time, it's very difficult.
-Amy
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
New writing coming soon
Well folks, starting soon I shall be returning to the blogging scene with full force. School is out in 2 days and I intend on resuming my usual life as soon as that day comes. :)
Thanks,
-Amy
Thanks,
-Amy
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I've decided on a few things today
Yes folks. Can you believe it? Amy actually made some decisions today. Huzzah.
FIRST STORY OF THE DAY
I went to church today (as I do every Sunday), but today something was different. Something inside me snapped. It was a very surreal experience, and I'm not exactly sure how to describe what happened. In order to give you folks a clear picture of my recent "awakening", allow me to share with you my previous feelings about church, and God, and all that other religious jazz.
PAST THOUGHTS - Began around the latter months of my 14th year. Continued up until I had turned 16.
My philosophy at this time was that God was simply dead. Because of the shit I had been dealing with (and ironically, I'm still dealing with) I had come to the conclusion that if God WASN'T dead, then why the fuck does he hate us all so much? Why does he spend his time manipulating his creation to endure enormous amounts of pain and suffering? Is this all some sort of sick joke that is being played on humanity? I still have yet to fully understand this concept, but as it stood at the time, I hated life, I hated myself, I hated my family, and I HATED God.
RECENT THOUGHTS - Began at the start of school, age 16. Continued up until a few weeks ago.
One word, confused. I was sure that I had my shit figured out. Boy, was I wrong. In these past few months, numerous things have helped shape and define me as a person.
1) My social "status" - I've opened up this year. I've shifted from the introverted freak with self-image issues, to myself. I've begun talking to new people and because of that, I've gained everything. Some of my best friends were made known to me this year, and I'm extremely thankful for that.
2) The way I deal with things - I was never the person who expressed themselves verbally. I usually withheld my emotions and feelings (yeah, apparently that's like, bad for you or something :P) and never really talked to anyone about things I was thinking and feeling. From this, trust issues developed. I couldn't trust anyone. Everyone to me was an enemy, who I felt was trying to steal something from me, whether that was emotionally or physically. All it took was for one person to say, "Hey, you can count on me". Someone did that. (You know who you are) For that, I owe them everything.
3) Grief - Yes, I'm still dealing with the loss of my aunt. Everyday I think about her and wish that I had a second chance to be with her. I'm still at odds with myself because I never really showed her any sort of compassion in life. I hate myself for that. She meant the world to me. I regret never having shown her that in her life, and you know what? I'm STILL angry at myself for that. I don't think I will be able to forgive myself for not treating her with every bit of love and more that she deserved. It's something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
4) Love - I never thought that could happen for me. I guess I was wrong there too. It's a euphoric feeling knowing that someone loves you and is willing to do just about anything for you, and you for them.
Those are just a few things that I've been dealing with at the current moment. Like it or not, that's whats been on my mind.
CURRENT THOUGHTS - The past few weeks or so.
I distinctly remember a phone conversation I had once. My faith being in question. And it got me thinking. Why am I so pissed off at the world? There have indeed been several major things about my past that make me question my faith, but other than that, I couldn't really come up with anything. I was challenged for the first time in a long time, and it was the kick in the pants that I needed to really sit back and take a look at my life and what the hell happened to me.
ANYWAYS.....
Today, at church. I really sat down and listened to what was being said. I've realized that I'm tired of being pissed off. I don't want to be angry anymore. Hell, as far as I'm concerned, if there really is a God, that certainly is a better future to look forward to.
LIFE LESSON : STATUS : LEARNED.
FIRST STORY OF THE DAY
I went to church today (as I do every Sunday), but today something was different. Something inside me snapped. It was a very surreal experience, and I'm not exactly sure how to describe what happened. In order to give you folks a clear picture of my recent "awakening", allow me to share with you my previous feelings about church, and God, and all that other religious jazz.
PAST THOUGHTS - Began around the latter months of my 14th year. Continued up until I had turned 16.
My philosophy at this time was that God was simply dead. Because of the shit I had been dealing with (and ironically, I'm still dealing with) I had come to the conclusion that if God WASN'T dead, then why the fuck does he hate us all so much? Why does he spend his time manipulating his creation to endure enormous amounts of pain and suffering? Is this all some sort of sick joke that is being played on humanity? I still have yet to fully understand this concept, but as it stood at the time, I hated life, I hated myself, I hated my family, and I HATED God.
RECENT THOUGHTS - Began at the start of school, age 16. Continued up until a few weeks ago.
One word, confused. I was sure that I had my shit figured out. Boy, was I wrong. In these past few months, numerous things have helped shape and define me as a person.
1) My social "status" - I've opened up this year. I've shifted from the introverted freak with self-image issues, to myself. I've begun talking to new people and because of that, I've gained everything. Some of my best friends were made known to me this year, and I'm extremely thankful for that.
2) The way I deal with things - I was never the person who expressed themselves verbally. I usually withheld my emotions and feelings (yeah, apparently that's like, bad for you or something :P) and never really talked to anyone about things I was thinking and feeling. From this, trust issues developed. I couldn't trust anyone. Everyone to me was an enemy, who I felt was trying to steal something from me, whether that was emotionally or physically. All it took was for one person to say, "Hey, you can count on me". Someone did that. (You know who you are) For that, I owe them everything.
3) Grief - Yes, I'm still dealing with the loss of my aunt. Everyday I think about her and wish that I had a second chance to be with her. I'm still at odds with myself because I never really showed her any sort of compassion in life. I hate myself for that. She meant the world to me. I regret never having shown her that in her life, and you know what? I'm STILL angry at myself for that. I don't think I will be able to forgive myself for not treating her with every bit of love and more that she deserved. It's something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
4) Love - I never thought that could happen for me. I guess I was wrong there too. It's a euphoric feeling knowing that someone loves you and is willing to do just about anything for you, and you for them.
Those are just a few things that I've been dealing with at the current moment. Like it or not, that's whats been on my mind.
CURRENT THOUGHTS - The past few weeks or so.
I distinctly remember a phone conversation I had once. My faith being in question. And it got me thinking. Why am I so pissed off at the world? There have indeed been several major things about my past that make me question my faith, but other than that, I couldn't really come up with anything. I was challenged for the first time in a long time, and it was the kick in the pants that I needed to really sit back and take a look at my life and what the hell happened to me.
ANYWAYS.....
Today, at church. I really sat down and listened to what was being said. I've realized that I'm tired of being pissed off. I don't want to be angry anymore. Hell, as far as I'm concerned, if there really is a God, that certainly is a better future to look forward to.
LIFE LESSON : STATUS : LEARNED.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
