I've really been on edge lately. My time is spent doing things I enjoy, yes, but too much of good things can be bad for the soul. I've been playing the piano a lot lately, but it just doesn't seem fun anymore. I try learning new songs, but everything is so repetitive and dull that I get bored with it. What else. Painting is just frustrating now. I can never get things to look the way that I want them to. The old saying that goes "You are your own worst critic" is so incredibly true. We as humans are always hard on ourselves before we are hard on others. I shouldn't get mad about my painting, but its really a struggle now to create something new and something that others will appreciate. I get to be pretty damn hard on myself when I make new things, mostly because I fear others won't be very accepting of my creations. I'm not the 'norm'. I'm not the 'usual'. So, naturally people aren't very accepting of folks like myself. I try to fake them, but we all know how that usually goes. You create another person on the surface of yourself. I'm sick of that surface person. I just want to be myself and have other people be okay with that. I'm okay with it, but the rejection from so many people is really hard to take sometimes.
I'm not making sense anymore.
NEW SUBJECT:
Summer blows so far. My friends are gone, I'm home by myself all day, and I'm tired of being bored all the time. I've watched more T.V. and movies NOW, then ever before. It's kind of sickening. I'm going out running tomorrow for the first time this season. That should prove to be interesting. I probably wont last a block. :) Whatever. I'll get it together eventually. My goal is to be really effing fit by the end of summer. Hope that comes true! Anyway, I think I'll wrap this up. I'm still working on this wine and its really tasty. :)
Peace all.
-Amy
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Lately...
I've been quite confused. I never really know what is going to happen each day, so naturally that gives me plenty of time to think (which some of you may understand is not healthy for me). When I'm given time to just think, my mind begins to race. I think about things that are so minute and unimportant, and then in my mind, I escalate these matters to proportions that are truly unnecessary. I am so puzzled as to why I inflict this self-mutilation upon myself. I don't think I deserve the constant state of crisis that my mind is always in. Why can I not just get away from myself? I'm so tired of this over analyzing every last detail of my life. Sure, I can do other menial tasks to get my mind off of, well, my mind. I play the piano for about 3 hours of the day now. I've started painting again. Other times I just drive around looking to pass the time. These things help, but they do not relieve.
I think I found the root of my problem. Every person that I have a close relationship with is gone.
1) My best friends Alyssa and Katie have both left for substantial amounts of time. Katie to North Carolina for a month. Alyssa to Iowa for the next week. I miss my girlfriends.
2) My boyfriend is extremely busy lately. I love what he is doing with his music, I really do. He is incredibly talented. He is gone a lot though. No ones fault, it's just how it is. I miss him.
3) My sister is all the way up in St. Cloud. She is one of the few people that I can just be my dorky self around 100% of the time. I miss her everyday that I don't see her.
4) My brother was engaged a few months ago. Now he isn't. I'm still dealing with the loss of, essentially my other sister. It's been really hard on me losing her. She was another member of our family that is now gone. I really miss her.
5) Yes. Still dealing with this 2+ years after. My aunt Mary is still gone. I have a constant state of regret in my mind, because I could have done so many things differently in my relationship with her. I could have loved more. I could have spent more time with her. I could have talked to her. Now that she's gone and I CAN'T do those things anymore, it's as if a part of my soul went with her.
6) With my cousin being on drugs and getting kicked out of school, I feel like I've lost him. We were so close growing up, and now one of my best friends is gone. I probably will never have the same sort of relationship with him as I did when I was a kid. It kills me. Watching someone you really care about screw themselves over for no particular reason.
7) Myself. I used to really like who I was. I was confident and I never really cared what others thought of me. Boy, how things have changed. Dealing with constant ridicule your entire life really puts a strain on your self-esteem and the way you look at yourself in the mirror. I hated those people that felt the need to treat me like shit without reason. I still do. I need to move on from this, but it's really tough trying to rid yourself of the words that were said to you. Those words still stick with me. They are cruel words. Vicious words. They always said that words could never hurt you. Yeah? Well, I'm still hurting from the horrible things that people used to say about me. Words cut deeper than any knife, I promise you that.
So, why am I still so reserved and inverted? This is why. Now you know. Now you understand what it's like for me, just to live inside of my own head. It's dangerous. I try not to be alone as much as possible, but with everyone I care about gone all the time, it's very difficult.
-Amy
I think I found the root of my problem. Every person that I have a close relationship with is gone.
1) My best friends Alyssa and Katie have both left for substantial amounts of time. Katie to North Carolina for a month. Alyssa to Iowa for the next week. I miss my girlfriends.
2) My boyfriend is extremely busy lately. I love what he is doing with his music, I really do. He is incredibly talented. He is gone a lot though. No ones fault, it's just how it is. I miss him.
3) My sister is all the way up in St. Cloud. She is one of the few people that I can just be my dorky self around 100% of the time. I miss her everyday that I don't see her.
4) My brother was engaged a few months ago. Now he isn't. I'm still dealing with the loss of, essentially my other sister. It's been really hard on me losing her. She was another member of our family that is now gone. I really miss her.
5) Yes. Still dealing with this 2+ years after. My aunt Mary is still gone. I have a constant state of regret in my mind, because I could have done so many things differently in my relationship with her. I could have loved more. I could have spent more time with her. I could have talked to her. Now that she's gone and I CAN'T do those things anymore, it's as if a part of my soul went with her.
6) With my cousin being on drugs and getting kicked out of school, I feel like I've lost him. We were so close growing up, and now one of my best friends is gone. I probably will never have the same sort of relationship with him as I did when I was a kid. It kills me. Watching someone you really care about screw themselves over for no particular reason.
7) Myself. I used to really like who I was. I was confident and I never really cared what others thought of me. Boy, how things have changed. Dealing with constant ridicule your entire life really puts a strain on your self-esteem and the way you look at yourself in the mirror. I hated those people that felt the need to treat me like shit without reason. I still do. I need to move on from this, but it's really tough trying to rid yourself of the words that were said to you. Those words still stick with me. They are cruel words. Vicious words. They always said that words could never hurt you. Yeah? Well, I'm still hurting from the horrible things that people used to say about me. Words cut deeper than any knife, I promise you that.
So, why am I still so reserved and inverted? This is why. Now you know. Now you understand what it's like for me, just to live inside of my own head. It's dangerous. I try not to be alone as much as possible, but with everyone I care about gone all the time, it's very difficult.
-Amy
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
New writing coming soon
Well folks, starting soon I shall be returning to the blogging scene with full force. School is out in 2 days and I intend on resuming my usual life as soon as that day comes. :)
Thanks,
-Amy
Thanks,
-Amy
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I've decided on a few things today
Yes folks. Can you believe it? Amy actually made some decisions today. Huzzah.
FIRST STORY OF THE DAY
I went to church today (as I do every Sunday), but today something was different. Something inside me snapped. It was a very surreal experience, and I'm not exactly sure how to describe what happened. In order to give you folks a clear picture of my recent "awakening", allow me to share with you my previous feelings about church, and God, and all that other religious jazz.
PAST THOUGHTS - Began around the latter months of my 14th year. Continued up until I had turned 16.
My philosophy at this time was that God was simply dead. Because of the shit I had been dealing with (and ironically, I'm still dealing with) I had come to the conclusion that if God WASN'T dead, then why the fuck does he hate us all so much? Why does he spend his time manipulating his creation to endure enormous amounts of pain and suffering? Is this all some sort of sick joke that is being played on humanity? I still have yet to fully understand this concept, but as it stood at the time, I hated life, I hated myself, I hated my family, and I HATED God.
RECENT THOUGHTS - Began at the start of school, age 16. Continued up until a few weeks ago.
One word, confused. I was sure that I had my shit figured out. Boy, was I wrong. In these past few months, numerous things have helped shape and define me as a person.
1) My social "status" - I've opened up this year. I've shifted from the introverted freak with self-image issues, to myself. I've begun talking to new people and because of that, I've gained everything. Some of my best friends were made known to me this year, and I'm extremely thankful for that.
2) The way I deal with things - I was never the person who expressed themselves verbally. I usually withheld my emotions and feelings (yeah, apparently that's like, bad for you or something :P) and never really talked to anyone about things I was thinking and feeling. From this, trust issues developed. I couldn't trust anyone. Everyone to me was an enemy, who I felt was trying to steal something from me, whether that was emotionally or physically. All it took was for one person to say, "Hey, you can count on me". Someone did that. (You know who you are) For that, I owe them everything.
3) Grief - Yes, I'm still dealing with the loss of my aunt. Everyday I think about her and wish that I had a second chance to be with her. I'm still at odds with myself because I never really showed her any sort of compassion in life. I hate myself for that. She meant the world to me. I regret never having shown her that in her life, and you know what? I'm STILL angry at myself for that. I don't think I will be able to forgive myself for not treating her with every bit of love and more that she deserved. It's something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
4) Love - I never thought that could happen for me. I guess I was wrong there too. It's a euphoric feeling knowing that someone loves you and is willing to do just about anything for you, and you for them.
Those are just a few things that I've been dealing with at the current moment. Like it or not, that's whats been on my mind.
CURRENT THOUGHTS - The past few weeks or so.
I distinctly remember a phone conversation I had once. My faith being in question. And it got me thinking. Why am I so pissed off at the world? There have indeed been several major things about my past that make me question my faith, but other than that, I couldn't really come up with anything. I was challenged for the first time in a long time, and it was the kick in the pants that I needed to really sit back and take a look at my life and what the hell happened to me.
ANYWAYS.....
Today, at church. I really sat down and listened to what was being said. I've realized that I'm tired of being pissed off. I don't want to be angry anymore. Hell, as far as I'm concerned, if there really is a God, that certainly is a better future to look forward to.
LIFE LESSON : STATUS : LEARNED.
FIRST STORY OF THE DAY
I went to church today (as I do every Sunday), but today something was different. Something inside me snapped. It was a very surreal experience, and I'm not exactly sure how to describe what happened. In order to give you folks a clear picture of my recent "awakening", allow me to share with you my previous feelings about church, and God, and all that other religious jazz.
PAST THOUGHTS - Began around the latter months of my 14th year. Continued up until I had turned 16.
My philosophy at this time was that God was simply dead. Because of the shit I had been dealing with (and ironically, I'm still dealing with) I had come to the conclusion that if God WASN'T dead, then why the fuck does he hate us all so much? Why does he spend his time manipulating his creation to endure enormous amounts of pain and suffering? Is this all some sort of sick joke that is being played on humanity? I still have yet to fully understand this concept, but as it stood at the time, I hated life, I hated myself, I hated my family, and I HATED God.
RECENT THOUGHTS - Began at the start of school, age 16. Continued up until a few weeks ago.
One word, confused. I was sure that I had my shit figured out. Boy, was I wrong. In these past few months, numerous things have helped shape and define me as a person.
1) My social "status" - I've opened up this year. I've shifted from the introverted freak with self-image issues, to myself. I've begun talking to new people and because of that, I've gained everything. Some of my best friends were made known to me this year, and I'm extremely thankful for that.
2) The way I deal with things - I was never the person who expressed themselves verbally. I usually withheld my emotions and feelings (yeah, apparently that's like, bad for you or something :P) and never really talked to anyone about things I was thinking and feeling. From this, trust issues developed. I couldn't trust anyone. Everyone to me was an enemy, who I felt was trying to steal something from me, whether that was emotionally or physically. All it took was for one person to say, "Hey, you can count on me". Someone did that. (You know who you are) For that, I owe them everything.
3) Grief - Yes, I'm still dealing with the loss of my aunt. Everyday I think about her and wish that I had a second chance to be with her. I'm still at odds with myself because I never really showed her any sort of compassion in life. I hate myself for that. She meant the world to me. I regret never having shown her that in her life, and you know what? I'm STILL angry at myself for that. I don't think I will be able to forgive myself for not treating her with every bit of love and more that she deserved. It's something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
4) Love - I never thought that could happen for me. I guess I was wrong there too. It's a euphoric feeling knowing that someone loves you and is willing to do just about anything for you, and you for them.
Those are just a few things that I've been dealing with at the current moment. Like it or not, that's whats been on my mind.
CURRENT THOUGHTS - The past few weeks or so.
I distinctly remember a phone conversation I had once. My faith being in question. And it got me thinking. Why am I so pissed off at the world? There have indeed been several major things about my past that make me question my faith, but other than that, I couldn't really come up with anything. I was challenged for the first time in a long time, and it was the kick in the pants that I needed to really sit back and take a look at my life and what the hell happened to me.
ANYWAYS.....
Today, at church. I really sat down and listened to what was being said. I've realized that I'm tired of being pissed off. I don't want to be angry anymore. Hell, as far as I'm concerned, if there really is a God, that certainly is a better future to look forward to.
LIFE LESSON : STATUS : LEARNED.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Plans for the future?
With college looming around the corner, I've had a lot to think about lately. What the HELL do I want to do for the rest of my life? There are a few things I know for sure.
1) I HAVE to have art incorporated into my life. There is no question. This is absolutely necessary.
2) Music is something I could never give up on. I will always be playing.
3) Film is a new endeavor that I am seriously considering pursuing. I fell in love with it and all of its shining glory.
4) Being close to my family is very important to me. I don't want to be halfway around the world for too extended of a period of time.
5) Traveling is absolutely necessary. I want to be doing something that takes me everywhere in the world.
6) Helping others is also very important to me. That is a must for the future.
Those are the things that are completely needed for my happiness in my future. Not much, but its enough to help me remain in good spirits. Now the question is, what to do with all of these things? That I'm not so sure about. Who ever heard of an artistic musician who works in the film industry and travels everywhere, but not for too long, and helps as many people as she can? Yeah, not too many. This is where my dilemma stands. What can I do that will help me incorporate ALL of these aspects into my life?
This was my original plan.
-Go to MCAD. Major in Graphic Design. Minor in Film Studies. Move out to NYC. Work in the film industry there.
NOT very likely.
And on top of it all, there is a new question in my mind. Since my new man has entered my life, we have been talking about literally everything. Children and marriage included. Now, I was never the person who wanted to do any of that. But now, I'm considering it. Which brings another dilemma; raising a family.
Good lord, I am stressing myself out. 'Till next time folks.
-Amy
1) I HAVE to have art incorporated into my life. There is no question. This is absolutely necessary.
2) Music is something I could never give up on. I will always be playing.
3) Film is a new endeavor that I am seriously considering pursuing. I fell in love with it and all of its shining glory.
4) Being close to my family is very important to me. I don't want to be halfway around the world for too extended of a period of time.
5) Traveling is absolutely necessary. I want to be doing something that takes me everywhere in the world.
6) Helping others is also very important to me. That is a must for the future.
Those are the things that are completely needed for my happiness in my future. Not much, but its enough to help me remain in good spirits. Now the question is, what to do with all of these things? That I'm not so sure about. Who ever heard of an artistic musician who works in the film industry and travels everywhere, but not for too long, and helps as many people as she can? Yeah, not too many. This is where my dilemma stands. What can I do that will help me incorporate ALL of these aspects into my life?
This was my original plan.
-Go to MCAD. Major in Graphic Design. Minor in Film Studies. Move out to NYC. Work in the film industry there.
NOT very likely.
And on top of it all, there is a new question in my mind. Since my new man has entered my life, we have been talking about literally everything. Children and marriage included. Now, I was never the person who wanted to do any of that. But now, I'm considering it. Which brings another dilemma; raising a family.
Good lord, I am stressing myself out. 'Till next time folks.
-Amy
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
A very much needed update for those of you who care enough to read this
Several things have happened in the past few weeks. Another list? I think so.
1) The first thing that pops into this crazy little head of mine is a boy named Keaton. Many things have developed between us. Since getting to know him, he has become my best friend, my trust, and more recently, my boyfriend. :) Crazy how things like this happen when you least expect them to, and how drastically it can alter your mood, your confidence, your emotions, and your life. All I really wanted was for someone to give me a chance to prove myself, and I was graciously given that opportunity. He has become the only person that I can be myself around, and I haven't been this happy in such a long time. I have a gut feeling that he'll be in my life forever, whether we become soul mates, or best friends, he is someone I know I can always count on. I am truly happy. A feeling not felt in too long. Thank you so much my dear. You mean the world to me.
2) One word, Christmas. Christmas isn't just a holiday anymore. It becomes a bit of a hassle as time goes on. We all lose sight of the real meaning at some point, and it is up to us to gain that back. I know it sounds spiteful of me, but why can't I just be with my family on Christmas? Why does EVERYBODY else have to be involved in some way? I've never really understood that, but it got quite irritating this year when I went to Christmas at my Grandmother's place. All I heard was gossip about divorce, cheating, engagements, weddings, etc. Polar opposites, I know. But I can't shake it off. I don't get why everyone has to be in everyone else's business. Seriously, by the age of 40, don't you think you'd get a clue?
3) Ah yes, the New Year. I'm glad it's here. I've been looking forward to a clean slate.
4) Now that I have returned to school, I've realized how much I hate it. I could go on forever about things that piss me off at school, but unfortunately, I don't have hours of my life to piss away writing about it. Nope, I have to suffer through the shit instead. Whoopee!
Ah, I believe I got the main points covered. As for my resolutions, they are fairly standard. Do better in school, lose some weight for the weddings I'm in, fall in love, sleep under the stars again this summer, be a better person, get a job, improve on my art and music, etc.
I think that's enough for the night. I'm satisfied. :)
-Amy
1) The first thing that pops into this crazy little head of mine is a boy named Keaton. Many things have developed between us. Since getting to know him, he has become my best friend, my trust, and more recently, my boyfriend. :) Crazy how things like this happen when you least expect them to, and how drastically it can alter your mood, your confidence, your emotions, and your life. All I really wanted was for someone to give me a chance to prove myself, and I was graciously given that opportunity. He has become the only person that I can be myself around, and I haven't been this happy in such a long time. I have a gut feeling that he'll be in my life forever, whether we become soul mates, or best friends, he is someone I know I can always count on. I am truly happy. A feeling not felt in too long. Thank you so much my dear. You mean the world to me.
2) One word, Christmas. Christmas isn't just a holiday anymore. It becomes a bit of a hassle as time goes on. We all lose sight of the real meaning at some point, and it is up to us to gain that back. I know it sounds spiteful of me, but why can't I just be with my family on Christmas? Why does EVERYBODY else have to be involved in some way? I've never really understood that, but it got quite irritating this year when I went to Christmas at my Grandmother's place. All I heard was gossip about divorce, cheating, engagements, weddings, etc. Polar opposites, I know. But I can't shake it off. I don't get why everyone has to be in everyone else's business. Seriously, by the age of 40, don't you think you'd get a clue?
3) Ah yes, the New Year. I'm glad it's here. I've been looking forward to a clean slate.
4) Now that I have returned to school, I've realized how much I hate it. I could go on forever about things that piss me off at school, but unfortunately, I don't have hours of my life to piss away writing about it. Nope, I have to suffer through the shit instead. Whoopee!
Ah, I believe I got the main points covered. As for my resolutions, they are fairly standard. Do better in school, lose some weight for the weddings I'm in, fall in love, sleep under the stars again this summer, be a better person, get a job, improve on my art and music, etc.
I think that's enough for the night. I'm satisfied. :)
-Amy
Monday, December 22, 2008
All this holiday buzz, and a blog somehow manages its way out of my head.
There is always a lot going on this time of year, with the presents, the decorating, the family, the friends, the shopping, etc. Everything just goes by way too fast for my liking. Not only does the time fly by, but the people just seem to be in a surreal state of mind. No one is really "here". Here is another list of my current thoughts/ponderances.
1) Christmas loses its value every year. It seems as if no one really understands the true meaning, nor appreciates it.
2) Conditional love sucks. After thinking about things, I've decided that everyone "conditional loves" something. It just seems like I have the shit end of the stick on this one. I thought I knew who my friends were, but humans buy into conditional love too often. Therefore, I am more human than I had originally thought.
3) People surprise you sometimes. I never expected certain individuals to feel a certain way towards me, but now that that is something real, it's actually nice having someone genuinely care about you.
4) Because something ACTUALLY went my way for once in my life, some people just can't accept that. What to do about those people? Still thinking about this one. Haven't quite figured it out yet.
Well, thats all for now folks, and I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas.
Thanks
-Amy
1) Christmas loses its value every year. It seems as if no one really understands the true meaning, nor appreciates it.
2) Conditional love sucks. After thinking about things, I've decided that everyone "conditional loves" something. It just seems like I have the shit end of the stick on this one. I thought I knew who my friends were, but humans buy into conditional love too often. Therefore, I am more human than I had originally thought.
3) People surprise you sometimes. I never expected certain individuals to feel a certain way towards me, but now that that is something real, it's actually nice having someone genuinely care about you.
4) Because something ACTUALLY went my way for once in my life, some people just can't accept that. What to do about those people? Still thinking about this one. Haven't quite figured it out yet.
Well, thats all for now folks, and I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas.
Thanks
-Amy
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